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Trusting your “gut” feeling is not always easy. In fact, there are times when we just plain ignore it and plow on ahead. Let me tell you a story.
Ten years ago I had three little boys…ages 3, 6 and 8. Time was ticking away on my biological clock and my dream of having a little girl with dark hair and long pigtails was fading away. My OB doctor broke the news that the chances of me having a girl as my fourth child was less than 50% and that my chances of having a girl were very slim. I went to a “Women of Faith” conference and I was just sure God was telling me to adopt a little girl. I came home from the conference and basically told James that we were being called to adopt a little girl. James was hesitant, but I was so pushy in getting my way and after all “God told me to do it.”
(NOTE: In my experience, if God is telling you to do something and your spouse is not on board, more prayer and time needs to past until you are both on the same page.)
We proceeded with the adoption. If you’ve ever gone through this process, it is VERY intensive…home studies, legal documents, social worker meetings, more paperwork, money, more money and the list goes on and on. After about a year and a half we FINALLY got our referral for our little girl. We were all set to adopt and had signed the paperwork (literally one inch thick). All we had to do was wait on one last piece of information and then send in the paperwork and she would be ours. This last piece of information was taking longer than we had planned and I was in SUCH a hurry to get this process over, I begged James to send in the paperwork without this last piece of information. Thankfully, James is a very patient man and insisted that we wait, and I am so glad that he did. It turns out that her special needs were way beyond what we had originally thought. Having three young boys already, we didn’t feel like it was something that we could take on. Devastated was stating it lightly. It was one of the hardest things to have to say no to this sweet little girl.
At this point we had had a little photo album of her and we had showed and told everyone about her, including our little boys. The whole world knew that we were going to adopt and then one day it all fell through. Over and over we had to explain what happened and each time it was mentioned, I felt like a knife was ripping through my heart. It was so hard. I was so tired of people mentioning it and I was so tired of the knife shredding my heart to pieces. And, quite frankly, I was mad at God for asking me to do this and then pulling the rug out from underneath me. How could God not want us to adopt?
Now if I were to go one step deeper, after I got through the anger and disappointment, there was a part of me that was relieved. You see, during the entire adoption process, there was a “gut feeling” that this wasn’t right…that we shouldn’t have been doing it, BUT, I WANTED IT SOOOOO BAD! I wanted James to have a little girl. I wanted a little girl. I wanted the boys to have a sister. I wanted to go shopping with her some day and I wanted to buy her wedding dress with her some day. The truth was that I WANTED a little girl and so I wanted to make it happen…and of course God would support me because I was doing the right humanitarian thing to do…take care of the orphans.
One day I was in so much pain from all of it, I fell to my knees and just started crying out to God. Told Him exactly how I felt and asked Him why He let this happen to me. I felt God speak to my heart in that moment and He said, “Angela, I needed to know that you were going to follow the desires of My heart and not your own.”
In my heart of hearts, I knew that I was not supposed to be adopting, but I wanted what I wanted and I was going to get it. I shudder to think how things could have turned out had God not closed that door at the last second. I am so grateful that God knows what is best for us. What is best for us is not always best for others and that is why having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ is absolutely essential in living this life.
The most amazing part of that whole story is…I’ve NEVER felt that stabbing pain in my heart since God spoke those words to me that day I cried out to him on my knees. He COMPLETELY healed me in that moment. What a great God He is!
